Hey beautiful soul. I am Joy Giovanni, Joyful Medium, here with our weekly live chat. I help people step out of overwhelm and into love with mediumship, psychic readings, as well as spiritual gifts mentoring. If you have missed the announcement, my podcast is going live on 12/12! It's called Spirit Speakeasy. You are invited to be a part of my launch family. I'll drop the link, after we get off, I'll drop the link that you can join if you want in the chat the comments below. So you can join and be in the fun starts 12/12. I'm super excited about the Spirit Speakeasy podcast, it's really going to be an insider's view with me, kind of like you're in a speakeasy of old -a secret club, but with mediums, mystics and the spiritual luminaries of our time. So that drops 12/12. I'm super excited about it. I would love it if you guys would help me by commenting on the episodes when they go live. But like I said, join the launch family and be in it for the fun with me. 

Today as we're moving towards the holiday season, I put together this little talk, I'm calling it “Being Your Own Bestie this Holiday Season: Three Easy Steps to Avoid Self Sabotage”. So I was thinking about this question that I wanted to ask you, do you trust yourself? You're probably saying “yes, I trust myself”. But as we head into December, I want to encourage you to think of, identify within yourself, one or two ways/ instances, that you don't trust yourself so much this holiday season, and make a plan. After all, as you might know, Winston Churchill once said, quote, “he who fails to plan is planning to fail”. So let's make a plan and not self sabotage this holiday season -Be your own bestie. 

Some examples of areas where you might identify that you don't fully trust yourself are things like, you might sit with yourself and say, “Actually, I have a hard time speaking up for my needs when I'm around my extended family during holiday times”. Or for you it might be “I don't know, if I trust myself to stay on my budget this holiday season, I've got it. I've got this budget that I have to stay within. And I don't know, I always overspend. This is one area that I don't know if I trust myself”. Or for some it might be trusting yourself to stay sober this holiday season if you're working sobriety. For someone else, it might be trusting yourself to eat healthy, and to make food choices that are in alignment with what you want for yourself. So someone might say, “Ah, I don't trust myself to eat healthy around the holidays”. For some and this, I see this often, you know, in my office, some people don't feel like around the holiday times the sentimental season, the new year that they might not trust themselves, to not reach out to an Ex. So I just want you in step one of this easy three step process to plan for self sabotage, I want you to get clear with yourself on areas of yourself, not others, where your self needs some support. And then we're going to make a plan for that support. So just think about what it might be for you. I'm sure in most areas, you really can trust yourself, you really are working on yourself, you really are understanding who you are and what you want and what your boundaries are and what feels good for you and what doesn't maybe you're still navigating this process, I think we all are to some degree. But see if you can identify just one or two areas, keep it simple. Just start with one or two areas that you can identify that maybe you have a tougher time, creating boundaries, holding boundaries, holding boundaries for yourself, because this is about yourself. We can't control others, we can only control our choices, our behavior. So get clear on one area where you feel like you need a little bit of a plan where you might self sabotage yourself. 

And step two, once you get clear and you have your one or two areas, let's say it's making healthy food choices that you feel like “oh, I always crack at the holidays and you know, I eat way more than I should and I end up not feeling good. And I really, you know, I don't know if I could trust myself to have good boundaries around healthy eating this holiday season”. I'm just gonna use that one for an example. After you choose your one, what you're going to do is write out in advance. Like as soon as you choose it, you're going to start writing out what you can do to support yourself and making the most loving choices for you. So what do I mean by that in step two, now, I'm going to use this eating example, just because I feel like it's pretty simple. Most of us eat every day. And there are delicious things certainly around this time of year all over the place. So for you, if you choose that you really don't know if you can trust yourself to eat healthfully, let's say this holiday season, what would be some strategies, some possible strategies that you could list out, that would help you make the most loving choices for you? And what I mean by this is, you're not going to then go call your family and say, “Okay, guys, no one is allowed to have any desserts at any family meal anytime, before the end of this year”. No, you can't do that you can other people enjoy it, you don't have control over them. That's not a fair request. So it's got to be choices for you. 

Now, some possible strategies in this example, could be maybe you're going to enlist a buddy, this could be somebody that you already have a workout plan with, you know, more more like an accountability partner. Or it could also be someone that you have already told what's going on with you what your healthy boundaries are for yourself that you're wanting to live into. And they could be your backup person. So maybe if it feels oppressive to you to have to be like reporting back to someone about what you're eating. I know, for those of us that have eating challenges, sometimes that can feel uncomfortable and oppressive in our space and not loving to ourselves. But this person could be a backup where you say, “okay, when I'm feeling really tempted to eat all the desserts, I'm going to call you, I've got this family dinner, and it's going to be whatever it is Sunday at noon. And if I'm tempted to eat all the desserts, and excuse myself, I'm going to call you, and then we're going to talk it through and then I'm going to make my choice”. So maybe you're using them as a backup. Something else that you could consider putting on your list is suppose that your example that you come up with for yourself is making clear boundaries for your extended family around what you need. Maybe in this case, how you're going to use this buddy is say that you know that you really struggle with holding these boundaries for yourself, you're going to try, right. But you might ask your friend, “okay, this family lunches at noon, and I really need to leave by two. And so if I don't call you from my car by 2:05, to let you know that I've left, could you could you just give me a call. That means that I wasn't able to hold my boundary and I'm still there. So could you then give me a call?” And then I'll be able to step out and say I have to go. So could be that they could be like your backup. It could be you know that maybe you decide instead of telling them and asserting all over everyone else, maybe you decide that you're going to bring some healthier dessert options for yourself and to share with others that they would like to enjoy some healthier options too, that's something that you could do.

In this example, something else that you could do is plan some “permission”, quote unquote, “permission” to indulge a little because we can't just be so rigid and strict all the time, we do have to have some enjoyment. It's the holiday season, there might be some things that you love, maybe you don't have to have all of all the things but maybe there are just a few things that stand out to you as things that you'd like to enjoy this holiday season. And you kind of keep an eye on that and say like, Okay, well I really liked this one specific dessert. So you know that my aunt makes that I only get on holiday. So when I'm at her house, I'm going to eat this dessert as many times as I go over there. But because of that, I'm going to really make sure that I'm drinking enough water that I need to drink whatever it is for you and your own program. Of course we're all a little different. But making sure that you plan in just allowance for yourself permission that you're going to indulge. So you're not setting yourself up to then be mad at yourself or hard on yourself or beat up on yourself because that's not helpful. But setting up what you feel is appropriate permission or parameters around indulging a little bit because that's fair as well. That's loving as well. For back to that example, around setting boundaries with family about our time maybe on your list of things, strategies that you could employ. Is you letting Aunt Mary know ahead of time that you're going to be arriving at 11. Because this year, you'll be opening gifts with your family at home first, for example, if that scenario fits you, and already pre stating what you intend to do, so that when you bring it up at the time, it's a non issue, because you can say, oh, remember, I mentioned before, this is the time we'd be coming. So preparing those boundaries a little bit in advance that could be on your list of strategy that you're going to do. If you're someone, for example, who decides that the area that you don't trust yourself to sabotage this holiday season is that you take too many things on your proverbial plate, maybe it's not your actual food, maybe it's your schedule, and that you really just will offer to do all these extra things for everyone, you're already stretched. Maybe you have, you know, a lot of engagements that you have to attend this season and business things that you've got to get completed, by the end of the year projects that you have, maybe you have kids in your life that have recitals of some kind or other people, they don't just have to be kids, lots of things can be on your plate, but maybe you even with all of that over schedule overextend yourself. So maybe some of your boundaries are going to be geared around that maybe you have an accountability partner that you check in with for scheduling where you say, “Okay, I just want to check in, have you scheduled yourself breaks this week?” That's something that I used to have to really watch for myself is that I wouldn't give myself lunch breaks. So even just checking in with someone on scheduling, did you schedule yourself appropriate breaks on your workday, for example? Another thing you could consider with the scheduling is, when someone makes a scheduling request, can you attend this event, for example, instead of immediately people pleasing and springing into that part of you that says, Yes, I'll figure it out. And then you're feeling frustrated and resentful, and mad at yourself. What you could consider doing is saying, I need 24 hours, and I'll get back to you about that request, I hear your request, you'd like me to attend this event. Give me 24 hours, I need to sit with my schedule, and I'll get back to you. And then take that break. Don't tell them in that moment. Because sometimes our human nature need to please will just rise up and make us say things right out of our face. We don't want to agree to but by giving yourself that 24 hours you can really sit with, “okay, am I able to commit to this without feeling resentful?” And then if it's no, as Oprah says, “No, is a complete sentence”, you could say no, thank you, you could say I'm not able to honor that request, I'm just not able to be there. However you want to say it, but it's okay to say no. But setting these possible strategies up for yourself as step two in this three step process is really going to give you almost a cheat sheet. Because sometimes when we get in the moment of holding these boundaries, making these healthy choices, not slipping into old patterns of self sabotage, sometimes we can't think of any strategies or tools. So it's why as part of this, once you complete, you know, this final list, you're gonna keep it with you. So step three, I want you to write out, I keep envisioning this on a note card. So if you're envisioning on a note card, as well, you know, after you've got clear on the area, that your self is going to need some support, to not self sabotage clear on that area. Write out a list of possible strategies that you can hang on to. 

And then third step is write out why this is important to you. I think knowing why this is your intention is so powerful, because it anchors you into this feeling that you have when you're looking at it initially of okay, I'm going to set this up for myself, this is what I want. This is what I desire. This is the best choice for me, this is in highest alignment with what I need or who I'm becoming any of those things. This is the way I want to honor my religious practice this year. And I need boundaries around the time that I need for these celebrations. So why is this important to you? In that example, maybe it's because I understand that my faith is one of the most important elements of my life, and I'm making it a priority for myself this year. So that would be why creating these boundaries around this time is important to you. If it's the Healthy Eating example, maybe it's that I really don't feel good in my body when I over indulge. And I'm loving and taking the best care of myself so that I can feel the best in my physical body. And that's why I want to make sure I indulge appropriately. If it's the example of staying on budget this holiday season. Maybe your reason is because I'm trying to take a vacation in the spring and if I spend all kinds of extra money on credit cards that I don't have. I'm gonna have to pay those off. Maybe it's I'm moving towards being debt free. Maybe it's, I intend to give more intentional sentimental gifts, and not overspend my money, whatever the Y is for you of why you want this thing want your sobriety want your health want to not reach out to this axe, want to create boundaries around your time with family, whatever it is for you. Why? Why is that important to you and write that at the very bottom. And then you're going to keep this with, you could do this in the notes section of your phone, if you keep your phone with you all the time, like most of us do these days, if you wrote it out on a physical card, you could take a picture of it with your phones, then you could have it with you. And it's really just to give you a touchstone it's not a list of rules for you. It's a touchstone to show up in support of yourself. We talk a lot in spiritual communities, about self love, and self care. And, you know, the hard thing is, is this is part of self care to identifying where we need extra support, we might understand our strengths and what we're good at and what areas we're doing a good job and moving into our potential. But it's also important not to neglect those areas where we need some additional help and support. It's fair to sit down and say, okay, like, you know, you got to be your own best friend, okay? Where are the areas that I struggle during the holidays, and just get really honest with yourself, because this is just for you. But if you can set up in advance some of these strategies, it's much easier. Of course, it's still a challenge. This is a challenge area, we deal with challenge areas sometimes. But you can set up more of a strategy for yourself so that you have options. And if you're so tempted by all these desserts, and you've already in a full meal, and a second helping and you've got your plate loaded with desserts, and you step outside and call your friend and have a however long 15 minute conversation. And that friend goes over with you, okay, here's why you want this. Here's what you said. And you still at the end of that decide, eat all that anyway. It's okay. That's where that self love comes in of loving yourself anyway, right? Not being hard on yourself. And everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks, has backslides, all of that. So it's not to beat yourself up at the end. If you do ultimately end up self sabotaging yourself, it's setting yourself up for success as much as you possibly can, in the most loving way. Because you're identifying an area that is a little bit of a blind spot or a little bit of a weak knee, if you will, for yourself a little bit of an area that you know that you're more vulnerable, or that feels more challenging for you. It's okay to identify these areas, we're all working on stuff, right? None of us are perfect and fully evolved yet. We're all still working on little things. And it might be surprising for you the area that you come up with for yourself as that area that you're like, oh, some self sabotage might happen here this year, it might be different every year, you're different this year, you're different today than you were last week, you've had more experiences, you have different thoughts and new understanding, in some way, shape or form. So it might be new things, you might actually be a little bit surprised with the area that you're identifying as something you need a little extra support with. So if you want you can share in the comments, the area that you identify for yourself as needing extra support. I'm going to sit with this myself this this topic really just came to me in the last hour and I wanted to speak on it with you guys. Because I know that it's going to be so important. We are going to do a lot of like love and happiness talks. But you know, I like to real talk. And this last final month of the year can be triggering. I said it I said what I said can be triggering for us in different ways, different areas of our life, different challenges. Also lots of happy times. And if we have this already preset, kind of in the background, maybe you will be so worried at that work function or at that family event because you know, I gotta plan for that. So if I do feel this way, I already know what to do. I'm not even worried about it instead of wasting time stressing about how am I going to tell you that Mary that I need to leave early. You've already got a plan. So my hope is that I really want each of you to just be really honest with yourself See if you can use this little easy three step process, get clear. Write out some strategies, and then write your Why. Why do you want that it's as easy as that. Let me know if you want how this shows up for you what area it is that you're needing some extra help and support in. If you are in the joy soul spa, Facebook group, you know, you can get help and support there. We are a loving community of like minded souls. If you're not a member, you're more than welcome to join Facebook in the group section joists or spa all you got to do is answer a couple easy questions, give me your email and promise to be nice. That's basically it. I hope I will see all of you on 12/12 for the launch of Spirit Speakeasy, which I'm so excited about. I've been working really hard on this. And I'm hoping that you guys will love it. I'm hoping that you'll leave me lots of comments, and share it with people that you want to share this information with. If you want to get in the launch family as soon as we hop off here, I am going to drop the link into the comments, wherever you are. So if you want to join the launch family, totally free, free to join free entries into prizes of sessions and group readings and free event that you can come to and get many readings so lots of free fun. You're not obligated to join but I'd love to have you because let's have some fun. It's great to see you guys. Big hugs. Bye for now.